It’s been a rough few weeks (months really) for me, and I am sorry that it has carried through to my ICM responsibilities. I take this site, and my work to promote IndyCar to kids and families very seriously, and my personal life has impacted all of that. Thanks for Understanding what I am about to talk about, and thanks for understanding where I am right now.
For those that don’t know, my Grandpa has prostate cancer that has metastasized, it is untreatable, and he is dying. While we knew this was coming, the ripple effects it is having on the family have been awful. He and my Grandmother live together at the Nursing Home, and are inseparable. She suffered a devastating stroke nearly 4 years ago, and as a result, lost her short term memory, which has either led to, or coincided with Dementia. She depends on him for everything, especially things memory related. It doesn’t matter what my Mom and I say, unless he says it too or confirms what we are saying, she won’t believe us. We have the same conversations 50 times in an hour, unless we are talking about things in years past, prior to her stroke. I am of course gutted that I am going to lose my Grandpa to Cancer, but I am not sad that his suffering will be over when his body does give up. I will miss his scratchy beard against my cheek, his gruff voice, the tobacco spit stains on his shirt, his laugh when my Grandma is just too much to handle, his his hugs and his noogies. He is ready to go, and he is at peace with it, and so are we. I think the only reason he is hanging on is for my Grandma. I know we are all terrified of what will happen to her once he is gone. Will she lose what little fragmented mind she has left? Will she just give up and follow him within a few weeks or months? I can handle losing my Grandpa, but I am not ready to lose my Grandma, mentally or physically…..I just can’t even think about it. I admit, I still have hope that one day, her eyes are going to light up, she’ll lose the confused sad look she wears constantly now, and that she will just suddenly remember…..The medical side of me knows better, but the Granddaughter side just wants her back.
I wanted to cancel my trip to Indy last weekend, but my Grandpa insisted that I go and live my dreams, and I promised him I would, and I did. Although I think much of my mind was back home with him, my Grandma and my Mom. I was really going through the motions, despite having the love and friendship of the friends I’ve made in IndyCar. My social media presence was damn near non-existent, and when it was there, it was just as fragmented as my Grandma’s memory. The IndyFansTweetUp was my saving grace of the weekend, and I truly want to thank every single friend that came out Sunday morning. I met new friends, and shared some prolonged hugs with old friends. You are all amazing, and I am thankful every day for the wonderful people that IndyCar has brought into my life.
So, thanks for understanding my lack of posts about the 500, or the TweetUp. Thanks for understanding that I am going through a lot right now in my personal life. Thanks for understanding that I am not slacking or blowing things off. Thanks for understanding that a hug or a smile might either make me grin, or burst out crying. The Indy500 posts will come later, and I apologize to Verizon Indy Car and IMS for that…I know my job as a social media influencer was to cover the 500…and I will, in a few more days. Right now I will focus on the Detroit GP of Belle Isle, and hope that I can find, and get back in my groove.
Thanks for Understanding. xx